embracing resistance

Arrive, get "checked in" even though I think when I select a class online that checks me in for it - haven't quite mastered that part yet. But who cares? It was windy as The Wizard of Oz today, which worked well with my crazy hair. I felt the soreness as soon as I woke up this morning, but knew that the best thing for the soreness would be another yoga class. Because that's how it works right?

We often know what is the best decision for us; however, we would rather wander around in layering circles convincing ourselves that there must be another way. I have witnessed so many people do this, are still doing this, may always do this. A solution or an idea patiently sits in the very center of these circles, these fake solutions, that overlap each other causing them to even sidetrack off the inner circle further and further and further away until the idea is almost faded in the distance. The more you intentionally step away from the truth of a problem or situation or even an idea, the more daunting the task to begin the journey back to the center.

Not me. And maybe that's why I am so often misunderstood...if or rather when I find myself going in these circles no matter the distance from the center, I will destroy these boundaries in order to get back to the point of balance. Sometimes even breaking down walls, going over the previously viewed as impossible walls, I won't let anything get in my way. I want to be at the center. Back to the idea; home even when we don't want to return or claim is always a part of us and in us.

The instructor, a beautifully spirited woman speaks from an authentic place about the design and expectations of our class: we will be working our bodies toward pigeon pose. "Pigeon pose, that sounds familiar," I think to myself flipping through the notes of previous yoga sessions in the file cabinets of my organized mind. My props are set up around my mat and Starbucks tumbler full of ice water nearby.

"We are using the wall today guys, so make sure your mat is close," the instructor informs us as a couple last people trickle in raising our class total to 5. The young man next to me has initiated conversation despite his stuffed up nose and disheveled red hair. Where do you teach? What do you do? What made you come today if you haven't been doing yoga for a while? He, the young lady with a braid and small frame, and myself have suddenly found ourselves in the midst of a rather revealing discussion. She was taking a much needed break from studying for GRE that is tomorrow (I really do wish her all the best, I do not miss taking tests at all! I almost don't enjoy giving them except they often offer me time to catch up on grading essays.) and he was seeking a feeling of "better" because he "always feel[s] better when [he leaves] here, better physically, better emotionally, better mentality, better everything" and he just realized he needed that again. "Wow," I thought, "What beautiful reasons to attend the 11:30 Basic Hatha with Dena."

Me next. In that moment I had a choice to make: confess my 100 day project to these two complete strangers or make up some casual reason that wouldn't require me admitting to the large task at hand.

"I actually just started back yesterday after about a year and a half off and it is day two of a 100 day project I am doing."

Small pause.

"Wow," the t-shirt business owning red head murmurs. "No going back now," he adds with a slight chuckle.

No matter what, halfway through the class I feel like I won't make it to the end. Sometimes because I am so exhausted or sweaty already or I just don't understand how these tight muscles will loosen up, but I listen to Dena's suggestions, step by step instructions, and demonstrations.

"Pull your feet out," she says as we sit almost indian-style with the soles of our feet touching in front of us. Hands on my ankles I shift my feet forward away from my body.

"You need space to start. Now, push your legs down engaging your core, strengthening your tailbone, and using your quads."

Oh.

"After one last breath, let's pull our feet in until you feel resistance, you want resistance," she leads us.

"But you must work carefully into the resistance," she adds.

I have always wanted resistance. I am the black sheep, the unknown variable, the brutally honest one. Now, here today I was embracing resistance instead of destroying it.

Instead of destroying the walls and charging into the barriers, I need to patiently embrace the resistance in order to truly find my center. Why must I stop taking the short-cuts? Because it isn't about how fast I can find my way back to my center, it is about committing to the process that I start to seeking my center.

The resistance is there to help me, to help us, to give us patience, to teach us the lessons of our missteps, and to reveal the value of arriving at the center.