forever focus

photo: Noah Preston

Music blaring at MAX volume, I turn into the parking lot of the studio almost perfectly on time. Today was a day. One of those days you can't help but wonder how you got here.

Amanda, lightning legging instructor, is mid-conversation, but I am in no mood to talk so I place my worn out black Tom's into the top left cubby (again, something that's becoming routine - when you are OCD you just accept that you will constantly be creating new routines and that is the secret for me in experiencing new things) and move to get a cup of water. Their conversation continues, it seems as if they are friends, but at a yoga studio you often find yourself having conversations with complete strangers. Quick eye-contact with Amanda as she is behind the desk. "You're good," she responds affirming that I have been checked into Vinyasa (the flow class if you forgot).

I won't lie: I am slightly feeling anxious as I set up my mat and space. The last Vinyasa class was not as smooth as I would have liked, but I am here now and I will allow for this class to show me and teach me new things.

The room has filled with some familiar faces and Amanda enters to play the music.

"It's an on our back kind of day?" She asks jokingly. My eyes shift open to see that the majority of us are in a resting position - back to the mat.

"How's everybody doing today?" the standard comedian opening. "Okay?" she answers herself. I look straight at her, and shake my head no. I was on the other side of the room and I have idea if she saw me or understood that I was saying no, but in that moment I felt my muscles relax.

No, I am not okay. It has been a day. A week. A month. And a year. And I have loved almost every second of it and I wouldn't change a single moment, but today is just not my favorite right now. So am I okay? No. Is that okay? Yes. Because I am at a place that I can work through it physically, mentally, and emotionally at once.

We begin class on our backs as we are prompted to think about the thing that brought us here to our mat today. To check in with ourselves and our body. Determine the thing or reason you are here today.

"And when the class get's difficult, I want you to focus on it. Let it push you through your movements and flow. Let it steady your breath, strengthen your muscles, and calm your thoughts."

Clarity. Clarity is what I am seeking here today. Clarity.

Class kicks off and I embrace my frustration through the poses. My breath matches our pacing; I am feeling each stretch, contraction, extension, tighten, and release because I am choosing to today. The previous class I allowed fear to distract my focus. I knew that today I couldn't. I wouldn't give into doubt or insecurity.

In frog pose, feet hip-width apart, toes pointing out, in a complete squat, we must bind our right leg with our strap and press up with our left using the strap to lift our right leg that is bent into the air. Um...what?

"You got it?" Amanda asks the class.

"I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't fully listening from the beginning so no," I admit unashamedly.

"Oh! Thank you for being honest!" she exclaims laughing and hurrying over to help me twist my hand the right direction to hold the strap as it extends around my back to my left hand.

I try to stand. I release the strap about halfway. Why did I do that? The guy in front of me didn't complete the pose either, but knowing that does not actually change the fact that I quit on the pose. For no reason.

A few breaths later we are in a forward fold before getting back into frog to repeat the same strap stand pose as we did on the right leg for the left. I attempt to strap my left leg in, but fail immediately and just kind of laugh. Amanda scurries over to get me set up correctly.

"Reach," she says. The strap is ready to help me work into the pose.

"Now press firmly down with your right foot to stand," she encourages.

"Oh, just stand?" I retort.

"Yeah!"

Clarity.

Pressing everything into my right foot, I push myself up straightening my right leg maintaining my center of gravity with the help of the strap as my left leg hangs in the air.

"Let's take two more breaths," Amanda calmly states. Focusing forward, I inhale and exhale in almost an ease. A second time, inhale and exhale. Then slowly unbind. How did I do that?

"Now let's do the other side again," I suggest jokingly. Because now I got it.

But it still isn't about that. It isn't about nailing a pose or completing a bind. It's about clarity, so when we move on to our next pose my mind has moved forward with the flow of the class.

Did I get my clarity by the end of class? No.

I discovered the beauty in the blurs: the challenges we face and the inability to always see the the defining lines, and that's okay.