emotional overload
Heavy. The weight of week has continued to build. The epiphany finally hit me as to why I have been feeling completely drained this week.
For those of you who do not know me intimately, I am an introvert. Yes, it's true. I gain energy from being in a quiet space and sometimes isolated. I enjoy deep meaningful conversation and will walk out on small talk in a heartbeat. I have a small circle of friends.
Yoga is perfect for me. I am able to interact at the level that I choose while maintaining my own space on my mat. I am supported by a community, but also able to practice ways of supporting myself through the growth and challenges I face in my practice. Today was class with the lovely northerner instructor who I found out love puns...I still like her. My students LOVE puns, and most people assume I would because I am an English teacher, and they're amusing but not my favorite.
I arrive in the early window today, 15 ish minutes before Basic Hatha. I am welcomed into the intimate space by two instructors happy to see me and projecting the good vibes I so desperately need this week. Not because the week is bad, but because I am running 24/7 it feels like.
"Do you want to fly?" instructor 1 asks instructor 2.
"Fly?! Yes!" instructor 2 responds leaping out from behind the desk.
"Do you mind videoing us?" instructor 1 asks me. I of course do not and proceed to film instructor 1 lifting and moving instructor 2 around as she hangs almost limp weight of her hips pressing down onto instructor 1's feet as instructor 1 moves her upper body twisting and pulling. I am in awe. How in the world? One day I want to be able to do that but there is complete trust in the process for her to just climb right on.
Their energy is contagious and I am already feeling a small increase in my tank.
In the previous three days I have spent 3 hours each day grading and listening with every fiber of my being to insightful and intentional presentations (TED Talks) from my students (there's 152 of them). That is already 9 hours thus far, 540 minutes, and does not include last week when I ran around like a crazy person prepping every tiny detail and interacting with a wide range of people I never do because of my introverted need to stay tucked away in my corner of the world. It isn't that I hate people, although people can sometimes be a bit frustrating and hard to understand, but it is more that I save my energy for things that I believe I can actually impact. My students.
Now, my students are impacting me. The pedagogy of my maverick teaching methods is on full display this week. The act of teaching next to them all year has led to their ability and mastery to now teach me. And I am blown away. Exhausted, overflowed with pride, surprised in some ways, and most of all humbled. There isn't anything else I would rather do than the exhausting week of TED talks with these kids even though I am behind in my grading of their short stories, I keep forgetting to submit my paperwork to my curriculum director, I just realized I need to go move my laundry (one second...okay did that...), I am 80% sure I need an oil change, and I have had Starbucks every day this week out of necessity - not to mention the almost summer blues.
The time on my mat today and the interaction with my yogi community uplifted me. The practice of today's class removed the weight from around my neck and released it into the air. It is a choice what we concern ourselves with and about and around. In my chaos and enjoyment of this week, I almost forgot to replenish myself in order to continue to serve the needs of others. And when you don't replenish yourself, it's a gamble you are taking that will one day cause you to come up short.