definition of love
As we develop our own identify, we develop our ability to love others through the lens that we view ourselves. In pop culture terms, "we accept the love we think we deserve", Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
So what is it that you feel like you deserve? More importantly, what are the factors that develop your idea of what you deserve?
The hallways were quiet today with only the hum of summer floating through the air. Kids fluttered in and out of my somewhat packed up classroom requesting hugs, stating how much they will miss the class, delivering gifts of their appreciation and affection, and wishing me the best summer.
I am entertaining their well wishes, but suffering simultaneously from a brain-splitting sinus headache. I somehow make it through this half day only to be tortured through a luncheon (note: the food was delicious and company was enjoyable, but the radiating sound waves of the microphone and chatter was killing me). Afterwards, I slowly climb upstairs to my classroom, a space that for 10 months was jam packed with students now filled with emptiness.
All year I had expected the best from them. I communicated every aspect of this expectation, worked tirelessly to properly convey the various ways for them to achieve this expectation, and developed a multitude of opportunities for them to prove their voice within my expectation.
We grew together each day. A community. An open-forum. An intentional environment. A family. As I challenged them, they challenged me. Together, we excelled. Because of the love we shared: supportive, definitive, unconditional. It wasn't always rainbows and sunshine. Many of them came into C215 with an obsessive nature about their grades, a competitive nature about their creative characteristics, and an innocent nature about the concept of failure. They strived for perfection, for acceptance, and for complacency.
My yearbook is filled with notes small and long about the safety of C215 and the accomplishments they feel both academically and personally through my unorthodox teaching methods. A gift from one of my randoms, a girl I did not teach but she found me (somehow they always do), a mason jar filled with handwritten messages on yellow sticky notes covered in gold glitter, each radiating gratitude for our relationship and the love of my room and myself. I read them. I cried. Together, we had adjusted her perspective on the love she deserves. She sees through a new lens.
Once home, I medicated to help with the headache that still throbbed through my left temple. I was informed by my biological father that "Love should not be confusing or hard. Our relationship is both." He has shut me out for years. For years my heart felt broken. I wasn't adequate. I wasn't who he wanted me to be. I wasn't his. I cried. Separately, we had adjusted my perspective on the love I deserve. I see through a new lens.
I took a nap and slept through the Vinyasa class I had planned to attend. My body was in desperate need of rest. As was my emotional state. Afterwards, I enjoyed dinner with my mom and step-father, then journeyed to my boyfriend's to watch the NBA Finals Game 1. At halftime, I rolled out his mat behind the living room couch as he continued reading What is Posthumanism?
I paced myself through a stress & anxiety routine I have done previously. Afterward finishing the pre-designed routine, I added a few poses and breathings of my own. Yoga is available for you on the days that your world is shifting underneath your feet. It is stability.
The mat offers a place for me to sift through my emotional interactions in order to ensure that I am using the best lens to view myself through so that I am identifying the appropriate love to receive.
My boyfriend often acts out deeds that take me by surprise. He chuckles at my facial expressions when I am taken aback by his generosity. The shock factor has started to fade, but it is a process for me to consistently view myself through this new lens. To see this new love that I have always deserved.
It is a journey that never ends. Through interactions, experiences, and reflection we make minor adjustments to the perspective on our ability to love and the type of love we will accept. Your light is a gift, and you must seek to find someone who will care for it, not cover it with their shadow.