your own well-being

I am in the midst of a fourth or fifth world war with my biological father. In retrospect to the entirety or our relationship, it has always been a push and pull - a completely consuming hole in my emotional spectrum.

For years, I have tried everything I can think of to fill that hole. I tried reaching out. I tried listening. I tried calling every day. I tried praying. I tried giving him time. I tried sharing my accomplishments. I tried not thinking about him.

Nothing seemed to work. I know that some of those concepts or activities take time and are not in my control. But it felt like I was continuously climbing up a never-ending steep cliff with jagged ledges and misleading openings. I never rested, just hung by my fingertips trying to plan my next move, but it always ended up being wrong.

Somehow, in the recent months I have rediscovered the value of myself on my yoga mat. Before I opted into this crazy concept of the 100 day project committing my mind and body to a yoga routine and blog post every day, I was trying to get my bearings on my life. Newly single, living in a rent house on my own, trying to finish the school year strong, and navigate the upcoming moves for my living situation and plans for publication of projects as well as the constant fight with student loans. Needless to say, I was spinning several plates in the air all while trying to hold onto the false appearance of a relationship with him, fingertips feeling the pressure as the grip the cliff.

I remember sitting down with my mother (my hero, best friend, role model, and cheerleader in life) at the kitchen table assessing the various moves that needed to be made in these categories. I introduced her to my newly developed project idea: 100 days of yoga with a corresponding blog. Joining a yoga studio would cost money, and money is that thing in life that if you are not careful will control you. It has him completely paralyzed. It is the puppeteer of his every move. I never viewed money that way. It's just this object that I have to use in order to cover life expenses and sometimes extras.

But during this discussion, my mother looked at me and asked me if doing this, practicing yoga in a more consistent basis, would help my health. The "yes" resounded throughout the open kitchen. I knew that yoga would offer more than just an option to get back into shape or stretch out my muscles. It is a lifestyle. One I wanted and desperately knew that I needed in order to get my life back on the track through the practice, an act I had always felt supported my inner-workings, my being.

Tonight, as I am not feeling well, I completed another online practice with Adriene - a bedtime routine. She spoke about acknowledging this time we have carve out for ourselves, its value.

We are weighted down by negative relationships, by the materialistic society, and by the pressures we place on ourselves to succeed that sometimes the best thing is to simply set aside time for ourselves to check in with ourselves and really work on the space within us that is hurting - not just physically, but mentally or emotionally.

It is a fact that I would be a total mess without implementing this 100 day project. I am still messy-ish (that will never go away), but now I am able to not allow other's messes to spill over into my life. It is like the mat creates an invisible force shield around me that stays with me throughout each day all day. Somehow, the balance I find and practice to maintain on the mat reaches further than just the studio.

What are you doing for your well-being? It is not noble to sacrifice your everything. It is not healthy to give your all to just one thing. It is not productive to stretch yourself so thin you cannot achieve one thing. It is not okay to not take care of yourself. You don't need a 100 day project, but you need a step toward your own self-care, not just for yourself, but for the others you interact with and that depend on you.