warmth

My first day back in the studio. It felt like a welcome home party for my body. I don't know what was worse: the being sick part or the not being able to do yoga. I missed the feeling of laying on the mat, the support of the wall, the stretch in the poses, the satisfaction of listening to my deep breath, the humming of the fans, the encouraging narration by the instructor, and the total relaxation afterwards. 

I started back with a (FriYay) Gentle & Restorative, nice and slow come back - not quite 100% yet. 

Our instructor spoke about welcoming the warmth of summer into our hearts. I will say that my heart has not been well in the last several months. My mother often speaks about my ability to love people, things, places with unapologetic passion. Consequently, I am left with brokenness when the person disappoints, the thing is non existent, or the place is no longer reachable. 

Needless to say, I have learned to pick up the pieces. 

When I was younger, early 20's, I would just turn and run. Simple. A solution one could not argue. I sought change instead of embracing change God was placing in my life. It is not the same. I have learned to seek change for the path God is guiding me, no longer for the appeal of satisfaction that I have solved an issue of broken-hearted pain. 

I see pain in some of the people I am closest to, yet I do not try to coach them into my understanding. I listen. I've always been a listener. My name in Hebrew translates to "good listener" so I blame my mother (kidding...kind of). I myself require a solution to a problem. I want it worked out immediately and aloud. Others are unlike me. I know this, so along the way I developed the ability to just listen to peoples' problems and not force my way on them. 

A very big part of my heart is hurting tonight. A loss so massive I cannot explain it. Not of a person or a pet or a place of living or a relationship, but of a community. Isn't that one of the greatest losses one can experience? This intimacy with a group of people all in similar faith and walks and ethics...gone. The act of excommunication is far worse than isolation. It can create in the individual the doubt of all humanity, for if this community failed what is the difference? 

I have had those thoughts. I had them during class today, but the power of yoga is that you are actively vulnerable. And you are safe. You are encouraged. We can turn and run when we are hurt or dislike that change God has gifted us, or we can embrace that change. That is my battle currently, and I am so thankful to have warmth poured into my heart to help me further embrace the changes in my life.