brewing
There's a constant storm within me: the confident versus the worthless.
The many who know me know that I am beaming with a free-spirit, but what some people don't ever see is the occasionally hurt girl by a person she wishes she could trust. I wrote once, many blogs ago, about the definition of love.
I struggle with the broken love between my father and I. It is only counteracted by the immense of love and pride and grace and appreciation and adoration my mother has always showered me with since I can remember and before. His dark clouds rolled over me this afternoon and rattled me. He has the ability to make me feel worthless even though I am aware that it is not true.
So, with tears streaming down my face and my mother apologizing for the situation I'm facing with my father, I knew exactly where I needed to be: the yoga studio. Perfect timing for the restorative class with the sunflower instructor who is always bright and welcoming, but not overpowering.
As I drove to the studio, I couldn't hear the radio even though it was playing. I don't remember how long it took to get there or what the traffic was like, I just know I was focused on getting the the safety of the studio. I knew I would be able to work through the emotional wreckage the storm had left behind.
The sunflower instructor makes it a point to greet me by name as I enter. I throw my Tom's, car keys, and wallet in a random cubby, fill up my tumbler with water and slip into the studio not making much eye contact with anyone. My favorite spot is open, squished in the between the props rack and the next person over. There's ample space and wall space. Inhaling, I let the wave of incense crash over me. The perfect environment to escape to, my own storm shelter.
The class flowed perfectly. The calm after the storm. The storm may appear again, harsher, more dangerous, or darker, but it will eventually end. I braced myself and survived the storm today. Another will come, and I am still recovering from the afternoon's, and the inner battle between my confidence and worthlessness may arise now and again, but I have discovered a new place to seek refuge during those times and I am oh so thankful. Everyone needs to find a place they can depend on when the clouds roll in.